It had been almost a year since I saw him last, and I think of him quite frequently, dreaming of the life we could have had together. We shared some intimate moments; memories of Carlos that I would cherish forever; and a secret that I would never admit to Joaquin. I can remember the first time Carlos walked away, and it stung me. Carlos wasn’t ready for what I wanted, and when he finally confessed his love to me, it was too late. I had already met and fallen in love with Joaquin, and we were talking of marriage. Then, six years later and it just wouldn’t work.
That’s when I emailed Carlos. It was around Christmas. I just wanted to see what he was up to. Whenever I drove to work, I looked across the highway at the building where he worked and thought about him, wondering if he was thinking about me. I just wanted to say hello, but it brought back all of the feelings I had for him. And when he decided to leave his girlfriend, I thought for sure we would finally get it right and be together. But, we didn’t.
As I reminisced over those loved and lost, my radio belted out Beyoncé's song “Déjà Vù”:
“Know that I can’t get over you, cuz everything I see is you, and I don’t want no substitute, Baby I swear it’s déjà vu!”I laughed out loud, and then thought about Malachi. And I wondered what my girls would say about me dating a white man. I don’t even know why I am trippin, cuz Kiana’s husband is white, and we all love him. A million and one things crossed my mind, and I began to feel guilty. Why am I trippin’ about what they may say? I want to be happy and I need to keep my options open. All my girls got their love thang goin’ on. I deserve it. I am worth it.