Thursday, November 3, 2011

My Fat Ass Mama by C.R. Knight

I like cheese doodles, Coca-cola, lemon heads and Snickers.  That's right, junk food.  I was practically raised on it.  How was I supposed to know that because of all the compounded sugar that I've eaten over the years, that I would some day be overweight?

Let me tell you about my fat ass mama.  My fat ass mama used to carry a big purse always stocked with some sugary sweet or salty snack.  I grew up an only child and pretty much always got what I wanted.  I remember waking up on Saturday mornings to watch my favorite cartoons while chomping on sometimes two or three bowls of cereal.  Mama would sometimes yell at me if there was no milk for her when she woke up.  Crunch Berries and Apple Jacks provided me with a healthy well-balanced breakfast. NOT!  I would wonder why I had to see the dentist several times a year.  It was so that he could drill holes in my mouth to fill my cavities.  I remember having a cherry jolly rancher.  Actually I had a whole bag of them, they were only five cents a piece and I had a dollar!  I took that dollar and told the China man to fill my bag with red and green.  Cherry jolly ranchers are the best!  So there I was, tongue all red from having sucked on a few pieces and then my cousin Leroy dared me to bite it.  So I did and that was when one of my back teeth shattered.  It was so painful.  The only thing the dentist could do was drill it down and cover it with a crown.

I have no problem admitting that I am morbidly overweight especially since I have someone to blame it on.  Two of my friends (skinny bitches) and I went to see Precious.  Big mistake!  I knew that was a movie that I should have either waited for the DVD or gone to see alone.  As always, I packed a lunch.  Movies are expensive enough as it is without adding six or seven dollars for buttered popcorn and a drink.  And besides, I wanted the leftover lasagna that I had in the fridge. Thanks to my fat ass mama, I've been sneaking food into the movie theater since I was eleven years old.  She didn't care about the people around us squirming when she pulled out pickled pigs feet and barbeque pork rinds.  I was so embarrassed.

After watching Precious, I waddled behind my two skinny friends and just as I had expected, the taunts started.  Mostly from immature little black boys with no home training.  I tried my best to ignore them, but it didn't work.  I rushed home to cry into my pillow as I have often done before.  Its time to change.  Ever since my fat ass mama died of diabetes, I've decided to lose weight.

We shall see.


Aurea Robillard said...

No wonder you got some teeth trouble in your childhood. But hey, at least, you enjoyed those Cherry jolly ranchers! Who can even resist those yummy sweets, right? But as most dentists say, too many sweets can really cause cavities and plaque, especially if you don't brush your teeth after every meal as a habit.

Interesting stories you got here, Seven.

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