Thursday, December 10, 2009

C.R. Knight's Diary

Judas was one of Jesus' twelve disciples and was responsible for the funds for the group.  When Jesus arrived in Jerusalem at the end of his ministry, Judas went to the chief priests and offered to betray Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. He led a crowd to Gethsemane, and identified Jesus with a kiss, thereby delivering Jesus into their hands. After Jesus was condemned to death, Judas regretted his act, threw the pieces of silver down in the Temple, and went and hanged himself.

Dear Diary -

I woke up this morning with the story of Judas on my mind.  Through out my life, I've heard  many variations of the story that I really didn't know which one to believe.  However, they all concluded with the same theme... jealousy.

What starts as a minor comparison between our own life and someone else's can escalate into an overwhelming mess.  Jealously is like a snowball that grows larger and larger.  The consequences are many times devastating.  I recently attended an event in downtown Manhattan where there were a host of people who have played some role in my life.  I saw past dates, bloggers, youtubers, publishers and people who I have worked very closely with.  I was surrounded by vultures, eager to dive in and eat me alive.  Inclusion was one thing, yet I still felt left out.   It was like everyone got together and planned this big party with the intention to laugh at me when I wasn't looking.

We embrace, exchanging overlapping, penny conversations.  Making direct eye contact was a chore.  I so badly wanted to walk up to them and shout, what have I ever done to you to have you treat me this way!  Tears fill my eyes as I relive the treasured moments, the extended late night conversations and the secrets shared.

The apple isn't rotten.  It merely has worms traveling through out making it less inviting.   Haunted by trust issues, I have had to shrink my friend circle so much, that if I shrink it anymore, I will be the only one left.  But is that ultimately what this boils down to... being the only one left?  One of the aforementioned vultures used to quote "Don't get too caught up, this is business baby."  I laughed because we were talking about other people, not us.  Then one day, after he wiped the blood from his hidden dagger, he used it on me. I don't know who to trust anymore.

People prey on the weak and wreak havoc on their lives the best way they can.  There are days when, I don't want to even leave my house.  Leaving me muted to entertain the thoughts in my head.  My blood boils with resentment and hurt.  I hear revenge is sweet, I wouldn't know.  I haven't had any... yet.

C.R. Knight

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