The Recycled Date App

Have you ever wondered how many people that you have dated or maybe even slept with have messed around with someone you know? With today’s technology it is a lot easier to track it; recently I have discovered cellular applications that you can download to your phone to find out how many people are in your area for dates. With these new applications it is like having BGC or A4A on the go and it updates itself as you commute. I personally signed up for entertainment and it is very interesting how many people live in my area that are members. With that being said the question rises “How many dates are being recycled?” When you think about the applications from that perspective you can make a hypothesis and assume that the date you probably met has met 3-4 of your neighbors within the past week and honestly you are recycled.

More questions raise in my mind from how many people are actually building authentic friendships or relationships, how much sex is happening and if they are using protection, and how many people still feel rejected when they don’t get hit up. With these applications we are also taking advantage of being shy, because you do not have to actually physically communicate with the person. Many of my close friends and now my RANDYS (Reasons Arkansas Never Did Yield(MY) Success) know that I have been practicing celibacy for a while now and it has caused me to wonder why we put so much emphasis on sex and also do we care how people view us sexually? My answer is I have always been concerned with how I perceive myself sexually; I could care less what others think I just want to make sure I make decisions that are best for me. With choices we make in life we should always practice making choices that make us happy and also understand with each choice that there is always a consequence that might be positive or negative.

Pillow Talk w/ Lonnell Williams, Curtis J., & Me!!!

It is another edition of going to bed with Lonnell Williams on 3LWTV, where I actually guest star along with Curtis J. We have a wonderful time during a threesome and we chat about defining ourselves, relationships, and what it means to be trifiling. If you want a really good laugh and see how I get down in the bedroom... HERE IS YOUR CHANCE!!!!

Tony Porter - Break free of the "man box."

Tony Porter makes a call to men everywhere: Don't "act like a man." Telling powerful stories from his own life, he shows how this mentality, drummed into so many men and boys, can lead men to disrespect, mistreat and abuse women and each other. His solution: Break free of the "man box."

Tony Porter is the visionary and co-founder behind the nonprofit A Call to Men: The National Association of Men and Women Committed to Ending Violence Against Women. Porter’s message of engagement and self-examination has connected powerfully with numerous domestic and sexual violence programs for such high-profile groups as the National Football League and the National Basketball Association, and colleges and universities around the country, including the US Military Academy at West Point and the US Naval Academy at Annapolis. Porter is also an international lecturer for the U.S. State Department, having done extensive work in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

He is a faculty member of the New York State Office of Alcohol and Substance Abuse Services Academy of Addiction Studies, where he co-authored their curriculum for clinicians who work with chemically dependent African-Americans. He also specializes in developing social justice models for human service organizations.

"Ted Bunch and Tony Porter shared their expertise in riveting testimony about men’s responsibility for ending violence against women, and they challenged well-meaning men to become part of the solution. The men spoke of their own journeys in understanding that domestic violence is a civil rights issue." From My Sister’s Place

Why me and My Ex Did not WORK out!

So have you ever asked yourself why your relationships don't work out?

Well something I have learned is when you are in something it is really difficult to really figure out what you are doing wrong and when it comes to the heart you may not be honest with yourself and others. I am very aware of this, because I just recently completely got over someone and I am able to reflect on all of my relationships and figure out what I was doing wrong.

One thing that I am very excited about is that I have not jumped back into a relationship, when I got over my previous ex I soon after met someone else and started dating and I was not able to reflect and learn from my past. This time I am actually looking over what did not work and it feels great, because I am able to be honest with myself and prepare for true love.

Here are a few tips that I have found actually help...

DON'T!!!!!!

Cater to his every need. There’s a great chance that if you do this – cater to every whim of a man, he’s going to stick around. But it’s not because you are the person for him, it’s because you’ll do anything he wants. NEVER cook a man dinner every night. NEVER do his laundry if you are dating. NEVER clean his apartment for him and NEVER run over to his place simply because he wants sex.

DON'T!!!!!!
Change your appearance for him. If you he doesn't like the way you dress, your hair, body, make-up or shoes, don’t convert. If you do you are showing him that you are easily manipulated. Men like a partner with there own mind, and if you are too masculine (I doubt) or effeminate it's not going to work by changing what you wearing, you are just not compatible. Don’t change who you are just because there’s something about you he doesn’t automatically like.

DON'T!!!!!!!
Act like his mother or sponsor. Don’t treat any man you are dating like a child. This means no calling him all the time. Don’t ask him where he’s been if you haven’t heard from him in a while and never tell him to button up his coat if it’s cold outside. He already has a mother, he doesn’t want you to be one too.

DON'T!!!!!!
Assume he knows what you want. No one can read minds. No one minds operate the same way yours does. If you expect a man to know what you want from him, you’ll always be disappointed.
DON'T!!!!!!

Be afraid to say NO. If you are not ready for something or DON'T want to do something. Say NO.

ALWAYS!!!!!!!

Love ME 1st!!!!!!

What'll I Do Now That I Am Single- Part 4

They're Here!

So throughout the entire process of being single, the only relationship you are in is the one with yourself and guess what, you will not get jealous if you decide to date other people. Now by dating I am very old school with my definition, so what I mean is hanging out and getting to know an individual who may potentially become that special someone. Now one main thing I run into time and time again with my friends is where do you find a good man or woman? Now from one of my really dear friends I learned a lot, he explained to me that romance always happens when you are not looking. Now I have been hearing this for years and I thought I really had come to terms with that, so I would pretend like I wasn’t looking however I would never find anyone. Well it is apparent what the issue is there, I was still looking. So my advice to you is “STOP LOOKING!” The minute you stop doing this, potentials will start falling from the sky.

Now you may not be looking for that special someone just yet, you might want to have fun, well if that’s you go out and be free. If you are a free spirit though, you must be careful. One thing that I a have learned in the dating game is that you cannot play with other’s feelings or emotions. Many times you may not be interested in someone as much as they are interested in you, you are just having fun with them for the time being and you really don’t see any potential for this person in the way that they view you and you continue to play with their heart, that’s not right. Make sure that those that you are playing with only see this as fun as well. We will touch on this much later though, for now I am going to expose to you where you can find these people to keep YOU having fun.

What'll I Do Now That I Am Single- Part 3

MEET MY FRIEND FRIEND

So now that you are dating yourself many times you may have an empty feeling on the inside, I can only assume that you don’t like something about being alone and you must find out what it is that you don’t like about it. Someone once told me that you cannot be lonely if you like the person you are alone with and I have learned that statement is very true. Many times we think that we cannot get some of the benefits that a relationship has if you are not in one and that’s the emptiness. Well I am here to argue the difference, because if you list the things that you do with a companion there are only a few things you need someone else for and I have a solution to that too. I introduce to you the friend friend, yes I said it a friend friend is not a regular friend and you all know this. It is a friend with benefits. Now you can decide what those benefits are, it could be companionship, someone to make you laugh, financial advancements, or sex you decide and trust I will not judge. Now with the friend friend keeping you busy we can work on filling this void and most likely your void is coming from insecurities that you may have within yourself.

One way to get over YOUR insecurities is to make a list of all the things that you like about YOURSELF, these things can range from goals you achieved to actual physical attributes that you have. By recognizing things that you appreciate about yourself you are gradually building your self-esteem. You can also fill this void by doing things that you enjoy; in addition you can learn or start doing new hobbies that may strike interest in you. These are all examples of things that will fill your emptiness. Look at you dating yourself and enjoying your friend friend, I am so proud of you! Happy Valentine's Day!

What'll I Do Now That I Am Single - Part 2

Make Me Whole

There are some people that need someone in their life to make them feel whole, why is that? If you need someone with you to fill a void then I suggest some self help techniques to assist in filling this void other than a person, because no one can make you happy with yourself, but yourself. 

I am a very busy individual who loves companionship. I felt as though I wasn’t cut out for a relationship at one point.  Each person that I met ended in disaster and I did not understand why. Then finally my dream came true and I met someone that filled my entire being and I felt whole, my career was on track and so was my love life. Then my partner told me that the relationship felt empty and that I was far too busy for this romance we had created. What do you think I did? Many probably think that I chose the relationship and lived happily ever after. Well I didn’t, I chose to analyze this romance we had created and I saw it was not healthy. 

In relationships there are certain things that should be held high one being time, another being commitment. Our relationship was missing that, I had taken advantage of our union and took it for granted, the reason I chose not to work on fixing what we had was because I wanted to keep this special person in my life as a friend and not someone that I may one day resent, because of sacrificing other things that seemed important to me. Deep down in my heart I believe that our hearts will reconnect when the timing is appropriate. After the split one major thing I noticed was in our time apart I felt like I was incomplete and empty. I felt like I could not function without my lover in my life. Uh oh, I had become dependent; this frightened me and had to figure out what to do. Now you may be saying that this is what you are suppose to have a form of dependence in a relationship and I am not saying that I disagree, but what is wrong with saving this form of dependence for marriage. A relationship that is under 3 years, I believe that it is far too soon to be dependent on another individual. This is one thing that will defiantly end your relationship. How could I depend so heavily on someone I had only been with for less than a year?

So many times in relationships we only think about ourselves once the warranty expires, and one reason we do that is because we are only ready for a relationship with ME, there is that word again you can’t seem to escape it can you. Well I guess because you are only ready to date yourself right now, so let the dating begin. This is the month that we celebrate love, dating, and matters of the heart, so why not start with yourself?

Upset Monday!

Gaywood? “Gaywood” is a word that I created which molds together LGBT and Hollywood, it is a mentality that is becoming very popular in the New York City’s gay culture and spreading throughout our country like a wild fire. When having the opportunity to dish with me I want to highlight and speak about things that affect my everyday life and things that may be discussed abroad; basically venting. Here lately there has been a lot of talk that I am very “Hollywood” and at first I thought about taking this statement as an insult; however through the power of the mind we can filter things and translate them however we want and I am choosing to remove the negativity from the comment and making it a positive observation of who I am.

With the gays I do believe that many were unfortunately not the most treasured jewels in school, many were probably teased, and taunted and as an adult they have fully embraced who they are and this is why they transform and morph into ballroom legends, drag queens, commentators, party promoters, YouTube sensations, and other larger than life personalities for the LGBT community and through all this work they have created “Gaywood,” which is a fictionalized state of mind that only comes with perks that Diana Ross would frown upon ( if you are in “Gaywood” you know what I mean).

I think what I find the most funny about this “Gaywood” mentality is that many gay celebrities don’t really care about being in the limelight and they feel very normal, sometimes confidence is mistaken for “Gaywood.” Because those that I guess would be considered average make a great living, can date whoever they desire, and are very happy. HELL the Gaywood patrons who live there lives in the limelight are probably independently supporting there many crafts from purchasing garments, hair/make-up, website development, video production, spending time writing, uploading videos; which leaves no time for dating and many people they do want to date feel inadequate to there fictional superior title that has been issued to them or they are obsessed with it and are using the individuals for the little fame that they are given. Now I know that you are probably reading this and thinking about the people that enjoy this stardom that they have achieved and you may even criticize them, because there are many that have allowed there fame to boost there egos; however please know that they are no better than you or me.

What sparked this blog post was a conversation that I had with a very well known NYC promoter and we discussed how it’s hard for him to find true love with popularity and my response was “You too are a victim of Gaywood.” When being in this limelight so much responsibility is placed upon your shoulders and you don’t know where it came from, mainstream America doesn’t know who you are, half the gays are jealous of you, and all you have that makes you happy is the work that you are producing for the kidz (gays).

My experience with Gaywood is many of my peers have considered me to be fake, phony, or this “pretend” mega star, which is pure comedy to me, I wish people understood that there are very few people that I allow to get close enough to me to actually know the real me, and I am polite to everyone, so please stop the judgment. I am a normal young black man who has many dreams and aspirations and I came to New York to pursue them and find real love, both are two challenges that I don’t plan on giving up on. Yes I am probably considered a gay individual that is known because of my work and I am only human, I am not perfect and I have made many mistakes, I just hope that my work entertains, educates, and enhances our culture to greater things. All I ask is that we collectively come together as a community and uplift one another and if you are residence of this “Gaywood” mentality that you don’t forget that you are no different then any other gay to mainstream society, it’s not about the fame, it’s about the love and the development that we can offer one another. And if you have not fell victim of “Gaywood” just know that everyone that is known is only known because you continue to talk about them.

H.A.T.E.U “Having a typical emotional upset”

So Mariah Carey is acting up and I think I might want to press charges against her, can you believe that one day while I was asleep on the train she must have went in my murse and ripped several pages from my journal! WTF! I say this because her next single from what I have heard speaks from a place that is so familiar to me. Now my many friends know that I am a die hard Beyonce’ fan and I will cut you if you say anything bad about her; however Mariah has really been giving me what I need with this new tune. If you don’t believe me, here check it out live in NYC for the “Today” show.



Upset Monday Break-up quote:

Since one out of every 2 relationships ended this past weekend I thought I might throw some realization on those broken hearts… You ready???

“After 1000 words said, we still could not tell what was in each other’s heads.”

Black Relationships & The Media

Black Think Tank was founded on January 21, 1979, by individuals who had been at the center of the late 1960s birth and battle for black studies. The Black Think Tank pioneered a Black Male/Female Relationships movement, including "black love" (Kupenda groups, Kupenda being Swahili for 'to love') designed to help our people learn to love again, to feel loved, to love ourselves and, therefore, one another, in as much as we already know how to hate one another. The Black Think Tank then issued The Call and was the catalyst for the contemporary Rites of Passage movement for African-American boys in the popular manual, bringing the Black Boys to Manhood: The Passage, which promulgated lectures and workshops nationally and internationally, including in London and the Caribbean islands. Related books of importance and influence followed quickly: The Endangered Black Family and The Miseducation of the Black Child.

This is Dr. Julia Hare speaking at the State of the Black Union (2007) on education, destruction of the Diasporic African family in America, incarceration, and other issues.
WE MUST WATCH



Dr. Julia Hare is widely regarded as one of the most dynamic motivational speakers on the nation's podiums today. The Black Think Tank has decided to turn her loose on the lecture circuit this fall. If you have ever had the satisfaction of hearing this sista speak, you already know why she is gaining so much notice and popularity at conference gatherings and campuses across America and even creating excitement in other lands. The largest black newspaper in London, The Voice, recently dubbed this genteel woman of class and charm a “lady Malcolm X” in a feature story of how she is, quote, “setting the black world on fire” after she electrified the Tavis Smiley “State of the Black Union Conference” with her breakout blast of velvety tough-talk about the difference between “black leaders” and “leading blacks.”

So Future Readers which one are you?