Dear Diary: Ordinary People by C.R. Knight

Dear Diary -

Mirrors reflect our deepest darkest secrets.  We look in them and we see our flaws.  We look deep into our own eyes asking ourselves why we do the things we do.  Decisions gone wrong.  Relationships no longer thriving.  When did we change?  You count every wrinkle, every scar and every memory that brought you to this place in time.  Its all one big stage.  You put on your make up hoping to catch someone's eye and boost your self esteem.  Not everyone was born with gorgeous eyebrows and lashes, I get it, carry on.

You are in your own head from the moment you wake up until the moment you lay your head to rest.  You are all alone until you leave your house.  Walking to join the morning commute, you try tirelessly to choose your next step and then you are reminded that you are not alone when THEY show up.  You look at them in their faces, sometimes you speak, most times you don't.  They are just like you, they just kissed their husband good bye.  They just took one last shit before jumping into the rat race.

You. You. You and you, all just the same, ordinary people.

Good Knight.

RAW by C.R. Knight

It's 2011 and no matter how many warnings and campaigns created to protect the world from viruses and STDs, people still enjoy raw sex. I have seen brothers on the internet who advertise that they are only into raw sex, yet their HIV status is negative. Really?  Are we that naïve?  Any fool should know better.  But I guess in some cases, we all are fools for slipping and sliding our lives away in the privacy of our homes and in the darkness of our bedrooms.  We continue to do things that remain unspeakable to our peers.  Privacy is one thing but shit, we talk about everything else.  I think sex should be talked about freely, why must we hide what we do?

Four months into the year and I was starting to have a jones for HIM.  It was a cold December night that left me speechless as he said to me "I guess I will see you next year."  I promised myself that I would never let another man have me so whipped that I would damn near give him my paycheck, but it happened anyway.

It was a mere two hours before quitting time at the office.  The city streets were already bustling with a Friday frenzy that only New Yorkers can produce.  My phone buzzed.  It was a text message from HIM.
"Whassup Court? You miss me?"
My body trembled at the first glance of his name across my Blackberry screen.  It took me twenty minutes to respond, not that I didn't want to, I just knew where the conversation could lead to... my bedroom.   With trepidation, I responded to his random text.
"I see someone has resurfaced."
Immediately he responded asking what time I wanted to see him.  How presumptuous, of him I thought, knowing damn well it was what I'd hoped he would ask.  So, we made plans for nine o'clock.

When he entered my apartment, he smelled like he was fresh from the barber's chair.  The hairy residue on his collar proved my theory.  He sat down on the couch and commenced to rolling a purple haze filled blunt.
"Some things never change," I blurted.
"Don't play.  This is exactly what you like and you know it." He retorted.  I grinned and returned to the kitchen to crack open two Coronas with a twist of lime.

After smoking, we retreated to my bedroom.  We were already naked, leaving our clothes scattered across the couch and living room floor.  He put his arms around my waist and laid me down.  Passionately, we made out until we were both fully erect.  I was there before he was.  The condom covered his hard, pulsating penis.  After several strokes and months of missing it's intrusions and it growing limp in my hand, I opted to rip the condom from the shaft.

In my most vulnerable state of naked, I surrendered to further exposing myself to his deadliness. I had been forewarned several times before.  But as my mama used to say, "a hard head makes a soft behind."

Hmmm.  All I can say is squeeze the Charmin.

Until next time...

Good Knight!

Addicted to HELL by C.R. Knight

With the weather heating up and vacation destination time upon us, one wonders if black gay men are hell bound.  This year promises to unleash the hottest in black gay circuit parties.  The first stop is the largest beast of them all, Sizzle.  If you are black, gay, over 25 and haven't heard about Sizzle, then you have clearly been living under a rock.  Miami hosts this almost week long string of parties, special events and freak fests.  It's known that many men rush to these circuit parties to get away from the trite parties held in their home towns.  The so-called "pride fests" provide opportunities for lots and lots of sex and debauchery, not to mention more debauchery and sex.  One would hope that a considerable amount of networking would take place but think not, this is stictly dickly.

Next up is the Fire Island Black Out also known as FIBO.  Celebrating their eigth year on the sandy beaches of Cherry Grove, the organizers of this three day weekend are undoubtedly taking things up a notch this year.  A friend forwarded me their newly revamped website which details where to stay, how to purchase your bracelet and how to get your swag on FIBO style.  I was happy to see that partnerships are starting to form amongst the parties. and promoters.  Its about damn time and long overdue.

Lastly, the new kid on the block Inferno Dominican Republic.  This party is relatively new, just short of five years old.  Labor Day weekend won't be the same in Atlanta where most of the kids habitually find themselves. However, I'm sure the Atlanta promoters won't go hungry.  Inferno will only be afforded by those not directly effected by the recession. Then again, I'm sure if you found one of those crafty ballroom children, you could get a deep discounted airline fare.  Watch your back.

Now that you know a little about my top three choices for circuit parties this summer, I couldn't help but notice how each one of these parties have some reference to fire.  And what do we know about fire?  It's hot!  By no means am I saying that all the homos are going to hell, but if you are fortunate enough to attend all three, its going to be one steamy summer, just don't get burned.  Be safe!

C.R. Knight's Diary

Judas was one of Jesus' twelve disciples and was responsible for the funds for the group.  When Jesus arrived in Jerusalem at the end of his ministry, Judas went to the chief priests and offered to betray Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. He led a crowd to Gethsemane, and identified Jesus with a kiss, thereby delivering Jesus into their hands. After Jesus was condemned to death, Judas regretted his act, threw the pieces of silver down in the Temple, and went and hanged himself.

Dear Diary -

I woke up this morning with the story of Judas on my mind.  Through out my life, I've heard  many variations of the story that I really didn't know which one to believe.  However, they all concluded with the same theme... jealousy.

What starts as a minor comparison between our own life and someone else's can escalate into an overwhelming mess.  Jealously is like a snowball that grows larger and larger.  The consequences are many times devastating.  I recently attended an event in downtown Manhattan where there were a host of people who have played some role in my life.  I saw past dates, bloggers, youtubers, publishers and people who I have worked very closely with.  I was surrounded by vultures, eager to dive in and eat me alive.  Inclusion was one thing, yet I still felt left out.   It was like everyone got together and planned this big party with the intention to laugh at me when I wasn't looking.

We embrace, exchanging overlapping, penny conversations.  Making direct eye contact was a chore.  I so badly wanted to walk up to them and shout, what have I ever done to you to have you treat me this way!  Tears fill my eyes as I relive the treasured moments, the extended late night conversations and the secrets shared.

The apple isn't rotten.  It merely has worms traveling through out making it less inviting.   Haunted by trust issues, I have had to shrink my friend circle so much, that if I shrink it anymore, I will be the only one left.  But is that ultimately what this boils down to... being the only one left?  One of the aforementioned vultures used to quote "Don't get too caught up, this is business baby."  I laughed because we were talking about other people, not us.  Then one day, after he wiped the blood from his hidden dagger, he used it on me. I don't know who to trust anymore.

People prey on the weak and wreak havoc on their lives the best way they can.  There are days when, I don't want to even leave my house.  Leaving me muted to entertain the thoughts in my head.  My blood boils with resentment and hurt.  I hear revenge is sweet, I wouldn't know.  I haven't had any... yet.

C.R. Knight

C.R. Knight's Diary

Dear Diary -

I recently saw the movie PRECIOUS, the long awaited Lee Daniel's flick gone super-hyped by Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry.  Yeah that movie.  I saw it the second week with my friend Candace.  Candace is a little on the plus side right now, she is going through some emotional issues, but I digress.  I was all prepared with tissues ready to cry but I didn't shed a tear.  I so wanted to don't get me wrong but, I heard talk and abuse like that when I grew up so I guess that is why it didn't effect me.  And also, I knew it was made up.  But as we all know, art imitates life and vice versa.

A few weeks later, I decided that I wanted to read the book PUSH by Sapphire.  It was such a page turner.  Just to know that there are young women who are raped by the men in their lives.  It was astounding for me to just read those things.  A friend of mine told me that Lee Daniels is good friends with the author.  Now it all makes sense.  I love to see when black people put their minds together and make money.  BIG MONEY.

I will say this, that movie isn't going anywhere any time soon.  It will win an Oscar. Come on Oprah and Tyler know what they are doing.  This is a bit of a pissing game if you ask me or a "who's dick is bigger?" contest.  I love it!  They are going to show Hollywood on a HUGE level that black stories deserve to be told.

I was blown away when I saw this morbidly obese black girl on Oprah.  She is articulate, nothing at all what I thought.  I seriously thought that they had gone to some ghetto somewhere to pluck this delicate flower.  She is definitely going to win an Oscar now.  And I promise you she will not have that weight on for long.  With money comes a better way to eat and trainers and everything at her disposal. She would be a fool not to have some type of surgery to get that weight off.  We shall see, but I see a HUGE 2010 for Miss Gabourey Sidibe.  They are going to wisk her off to a fat farm and we will no longer recognize the soon to be Oscar winner.

Well Diary, I must say good bye for now.  I can't wait until our next meeting.

C.R. Knight

Coming soon...BOYPUSSY!

Dear Diary,

Everyday, we comb the streets draped in psuedo-masculine drag. Donned in designer labels showing off our swag. Lips barely part to acknowledge, on the city's bustling streets. Plotting our seduction hoping to prey beneath the sheets.

Our eyes meet uncertain of each others game. Never been taught to look eye to eye so we look away with shame. Stolen glances become temporary works of art. Lives intertwined yet worlds apart. Mirrored thoughts, filled with with relentless pain and voyeuristic lust. Digitizing our arousal with an eagerness to bust.

Hormones rage, as passwords and screen names become our entry into the underground. Faceless images hungry for attention, receive shameful disgrace. Our consciousness takes us to a site named after the man from whom we borrow our sins.

Exposed our naked stature. Asses and dicks, escorts, raw seekers and tranny chicks. Skinny boys, fat men, black and white. Dial-toned messages inviting uncharted perils into the night. A hot body to satiate the loneliness behind the blank stares into our screens. Who have we become? Who do we seem? Creatures of habit and hating from within. Stealing sips of rawness, skin to skin.

We know to protect ourselves, we have all seen the signs. To the education we are numb, we've lost our minds, but the cases, they seem so rare. One thing that's safe to say is: we just don't care.

BOYPUSSY